Thursday, November 10, 2005

Long overdue update

Firstly, I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you who have contacted me and given me lovely messages of support over the last week.

I have now decided to show my entry from last Friday so those who did not end up getting the link can now read it.

On Wednesday I started spotting. Enough to send me to the emergency department of my local hospital. After 2 hours I had blood taken to check my hormone levels and was sent home saying that after I had my scan on Monday to go to my local doctor.

So yesterday I called the scan place and managed to change my appointment to yesterday afternoon instead. As the scan was done, I felt relief to see the little heart beating. But the words that came out of the operators mouth floored me. She said "there is no way that you are 8 weeks and 2 days, this baby is just 6 weeks."

Now when I went 2 weeks ago I was told I was between 5 & 6 weeks and now she is saying I am just 6 weeks! It doesn't add up. When I had Bethany my last period was on the 20/9 and I was given the due date of 28/6. After yesterdays scan, my last period was on the 6/9 and I have just been given the due date of 29/6????????????????????

Now I am in total stress mode. How can this be? Why isn't it the size it should be? Is there something wrong? Is everything going to be OK? Is this why I am spotting?

My head is running a million miles an hour and all I want to do is cry.

Well everyone, last night I lost my little angel. The pains started at about 5.45pm but nothing really happened until about 9.15pm. Then it was up to the hospital, get pain pills, get sent home about midnight.

I'm sorry but it is still really painful to think about.

Peter has been so fantastic. He has had less sleep than me.

I had to explain to Bethany today that the baby in mummy's tummy got sick and isn't there anymore. She asked if we could get another one. I said we will try. I actually managed the conversation without breaking down.

There is so much running through my head but I don't want to burden everyone with negative thoughts and images. Just know that I will be OK.

Am off to bed now to try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day. Am trying to keep busy with normal things like Christmas shopping and stuff. Will also plan to start back on my weightloss journey ASAP. Just to give myself a sense of normality.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to pretend nothing has happened. I have grieved. I am still grieving and I will continue to grieve. It will hit me when the maternity top I bought on Ebay arrives. It hit me everytime I saw a new little baby today. But if I don't start to fill my days, my mind will explode.

I just wanted to let you all know
Posted by Kim :: 10:04 pm :: 3 Comments:

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